How to Gentle Parent (And Why It's Not Permissive Parenting)

Gentle parenting is often misunderstood. Some believe it’s the same as permissive parenting, but it’s not. As a child and family mental health professional for over 12 years, I’ve seen gentle parenting help parents connect deeply with their children while still correcting behavior effectively.

The resurgence of gentle parenting, as highlighted in books like Good Inside by Becky Kennedy and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, and even in shows like Bluey, has set a high bar for how we engage with our children. Describing gentle parenting can be as challenging as describing bitterness without using the word “bitter.” This difficulty can lead to frustration for parents who want to be emotionally available to their children but either see their children acting out more or don’t know where to start.

Gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. Research shows that children feel most loved and supported in homes with clear boundaries and expectations, even when they resist those boundaries. If gentle parenting isn’t about allowing children to eat or sleep whenever they want — and it’s not about being a dictator either — what is it? I tell parents they can begin the journey in three steps: implementing consequences, practicing co-regulation, and providing care.

Consequences in Gentle Parenting

Consequences and punishments are not the same. Punishments are often arbitrary and unrelated to the behavior being addressed. For example, a punishment for teasing a younger sibling might be missing dessert, while a punishment for not completing homework might be a spanking.

In contrast, consequences are either natural or imposed. Natural consequences occur on their own, while imposed consequences are designed to prevent or address natural outcomes. For example, the natural consequence of not eating dinner is feeling hungry, while the imposed consequence might be missing dessert. The natural consequence of not completing homework is falling behind in class, while the imposed consequence might be losing screen time until homework is completed.

Punishments focus on retribution, while consequences focus on preventing negative outcomes. Studies show that while punishments can lead to lower self-esteem and poor emotional regulation, appropriate consequences have the opposite effect .

Co-Regulation: A Core Gentle Parenting Skill

Young children rely on their parents’ examples to learn how to cope. A recent study show that children benefit from witnessing their parents manage their emotions thanks to mirror neurons.

Children are highly attuned to their parents’ emotional states. When a child perceives that their parent is upset, it triggers a stress response that impairs their ability to think rationally and cope. Therefore, when a child’s behavior upsets you, demonstrating the coping strategies you want them to learn can be very beneficial. By mirroring your coping behaviors, your child can better regulate themselves, even if they don’t immediately practice these strategies with you.

Care and the Magic Ratio in Gentle Parenting

Dr. John Gottman found that the foundation of any healthy relationship is having four positive interactions for every one negative. Positive interactions don’t have to be grand gestures — they can be simple moments of engagement, communication, and respect.

This “magic ratio” provides a simple metric for ensuring you build a caring and loving relationship with your child. On challenging days, when a child needs more correction, they benefit from increased care and attention. On better days, it’s an opportunity to build a reservoir of positive interactions.

This “parental warmth” is linked to greater academic and social success and stronger emotional security in children.

Gentle Parenting Benefits Everyone

Gentle parenting benefits both the child and the parent. Often, our deepest insecurities are reflected in our children’s behavior. Confronting and addressing these insecurities can be one of the greatest personal growth opportunities in parenting.

As a child therapist, I’ve worked with thousands of families. Time and again, practicing gentle parenting leads to a nurturing and happy home.

Gentle Parenting FAQ

Is gentle parenting just permissive parenting?

No. Gentle parenting combines empathy with consistent boundaries. It’s not about letting kids do whatever they want — it’s about guiding them through natural and logical consequences.

Can gentle parenting work with strong-willed children?

Yes. Strong-willed children often respond well because gentle parenting respects their autonomy while teaching them responsibility through consistent, calm responses.

How do I start gentle parenting?

Begin with three steps: implement fair and related consequences, practice co-regulation to model emotional regulation, and maintain a strong base of positive interactions with your child.

What’s the difference between consequences and punishments?

Punishments are often unrelated to the behavior and focus on retribution. Consequences are either natural (like feeling hungry if you skip dinner) or logical (like losing screen time until homework is done) and aim to guide future behavior.

Does gentle parenting mean I can’t discipline my child?

Gentle parenting includes discipline — but it’s focused on teaching, not shaming. The goal is to help children learn from mistakes while feeling safe and supported.

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Gentle parenting can transform your home and your relationship with your child. Let’s work together to make it happen — schedule a consultation today.

Matt Long is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and owner of Gentle Guardians Counseling Center, specializing in trauma-focused therapy for children and families. With over 12 years of experience in child and family mental health, he helps parents strengthen their relationships through evidence-based, compassionate strategies.